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Squrlz Offers Public Apology In Wake Of IAB Sex Scandal

 

A PUBLIC APOLOGY
It is with a heavy heart that I write this public letter, but it must be written.
The recent stories of IAB’ers who have had their ankles enthusiastically–albeit briefly–humped by me in the past are true.
Humping the ankles of humans is a common practice in the squirrel community, but I fully understand that is no excuse. Unfortunately, this behavior of mine has occurred so often that I am unable to recall all the incidents of ankle-humping. But please know that I am filled with shame when I reflect on those I have wronged.
This partial list of those I have wronged, inadequate though it is, is just a first step in my attempts to acknowledge the hurt I have cause and strive to become a better squirrel.

  • Fancylad: I want to make it clear that he never made me hump his ankle; it was a liberty I took of my own accord.
  • HolyGod: As I remember, he laughed and said something like, “What the fuck?”
  • Madduck: It was always extra fun when she was wearing her Wellingtons.
  • MelCervini: I… I had the impression that she wanted it, but that may be my sickness talking.
  • NormalFreak2: I’ll admit that sometimes I even humped his ankle while he was sleeping.
  • PinkMinx22: I… I have a thing for nurses. I’m sorry. This is very difficult.
  • CrakrJak: Before his disappearance, I managed to get in one energetic ankle-humping. If you’re reading this Crakr, I’m sorry. Come back.
  • Gerry1of1: If you saw how humpable his ankles are, you too– I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Clearly, the road to recovery is filled with setbacks.
  • Kalron27: On at least one occasion when he was feeding me black oil sunflower seeds, I violated his ankle in a brief spasm of lust. I could not help myself.
  • Scheckydamon: Several months ago, I stood beside a tall milkshake and exposed my junk to Shecky before donning a fig leaf. It was very “rapey” of me and I regret my actions. The milkshake was delicious, by the way.

To all of you above–and to other IAB’ers who have not yet come forward–I offer my deepest apologies and regrets.
Horatio Q. Squrlz

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