How do you get a girl to break up with you without hurting her?
1) Show her that you’re a weirdo
No, we’re not talking about those lovely quirks she probably loves you for. We’re talking about large-scale passive-aggressive behavior which is always an excellent means of scaring away unwanted women.
The first step on the road to insanity is paranoia. Keep showing your girlfriend that you don’t trust her, your friends, and the society. The courier didn’t deliver the order on time? Surely he was intercepted by the Illuminati, who opened the box and put a recording device into that new player you ordered so that the reptiloids could spy on you in the shower! You’re limited only by your imagination.
The next stage is jealousy. You already behave like you’re paranoid, so this should look like a natural development of events. Every guy she communicates with should become her new or potential lover to you. Answer her calls and ask for the passwords to all her mailboxes and social media accounts. And don’t forget to be weird: be angry with her when she wants to give you a massage and cook a delicious dinner for you. When she asks you to explain your behavior, blame endocrine diseases, a pituitary tumor, or something else that will come to your head at that moment.
2) Keep your browser open all the time
Ideally, you should always use her laptop and never clean the history and leave pages like planetofbrides.com or “How to keep the inner serial killer inside” open. You can also write a letter to some psychologist, starting with the words “I don’t feel anything but the burning thirst for blood.” You need to fill your computer, her computer, your smartphones and tablets with stuff like this. Be patient. And if you do not have time to wait, then just leave this page open. It won’t take long for her to react.
3) Become the most pretentious guy on earth
From now on, you must become more demanding than the Queen of Great Britain and Gordon Ramsey combined. Remember: all the things surrounding you must be super exclusive, everything must be placed strictly for good Feng Shui, and your vocabulary should have a lot of mysterious words normal people don’t understand.
4) A sudden change of sexual preferences
She won’t be able not to break up with you if you say that you love her, but your genitals have the opposite opinion. Quite a cruel excuse, but it’s perfect for such a lazy ass like you. You’ll still have to go through a difficult conversation, but at least you won’t have to say “I think we should date other people.” In case she doesn’t fall for your lies, you can always blame the confusion with your sexual preferences. Say that you need a break to understand your conflicting desires or that you had a similar experience before, and, apparently, you can’t escape from yourself. The worst scenario: she’ll accept you as you are, and she’ll want to experiment with two guys in the bed.
5) Study your genealogical tree and make “a shocking discovery”
Know how to photoshop? Good. Then you’re ready for a new desperate step! Find a couple of hours to create a high-quality genealogical tree showing that you two are actually relatives. If she starts accusing you of lying to her, say something like “People all over the world have illegitimate kids! And you’re telling me that it’s impossible for this Russian plumber to be your real father?!” The wall of your logic built on irrefutable evidence can’t be destroyed. It’s time for her to pack her stuff. Of course, it would be much easier to just go to her and say “You know, I want to break up with you because I don’t think you’re attractive,” but it’s just impolite.
6) Dance with enthusiasm when nobody else is dancing
At dinner parties, shout “Come on everyone!” and jig around the room. Be the first to hit the floor at weddings, pre-empting the bride and groom. Insist on starting a conga in the pub. It’ll be cute the first time. And then it really won’t be.
You’ll be dancing into the horizon.
7) Be stingy
It’s an astonishingly effective tack for making yourself unattractive. Buy birthday presents from the petrol station, split all dinner bills and take no more than €50 spending money on holiday. Of course, if you’re short of money then this won’t work; you’d simply be showing a sensible approach to finances. Undercut this by purchasing yourself expensive designer clothes and a lot of computer games. Jesus, that’ll p*** her off.
8) Whatever you do, don’t listen to her.
When she’s talking about something important, simply tune out. Respond inappropriately to show you’re not paying attention: say “Hmm, that’s a pity” when she’s delivering great news, and “Oh good” when it’s something terrible. On the phone, make sure to tap audibly at an email while she’s speaking. Face to face, don’t be afraid to actually wander out of the room in the middle of a conversation, as though you assume she’s finished. If she’s tearful, be sympathetic – while simultaneously checking your iPhone for football scores. This behaviour will soon drive her into the arms of a kinder and more attentive man, whom she doesn’t fancy as much as you but likes better. Perfect.
9) On social occasions with people she knows less well, be a bore
I don’t mean be quiet: that can be rather sexy at the right time. No, speak up as often and extensively as possible. Tell dull anecdotes, recount stories about people whom nobody has met. Really hold the floor.She will soon realize that you are social death.
10) Take a lot of long, luxuriant baths
There’s something weirdly annoying about men who take a lot of long baths. Don’t listen to the cricket at the same time, as this is masculine and attractive. Instead, fill the bath with bubbles. Put candles around it. Make satisfied umming noises. Before getting in, use the phrase, “I’m just going for a soak in the tub.” After a while, she will tell you that the spark has gone. She’ll be sad, sorry and puzzled – she genuinely won’t know why. But you and I will know it’s the baths. They’ve got to her subconscious.
11) Always drink too much
Don’t stop until you’re staggering, slurring and slightly embarrassing yourself. In bed, paw at her incompetently and belch at key moments. Then fall asleep, sweating lager and snoring loudly. She’ll dump you in time to get your liver back into shape.
12) Be lame and weedy on all matters related to your diet and health
Go vegan, then insist you won’t eat carrots, mushrooms or any kind of salad because you don’t like them. Develop a wheat allergy. Groan “I feel faint! I feel bloated!” after every meal. Then try bravely eating a piece of toast, and take to your bed for days with a “bread hangover”.
13) Take a keen interest in her diet
Don’t be overtly bossy or critical as it’s far more annoying to be subtle. Simply say, “Oh, are you having that?” in a quizzical tone, every time she makes herself a sandwich. When you’re in a restaurant, suggest she has the fish. Ask to sample her pudding, then cram most of it onto the spoon and swallow it whole. Remember not to be openly insulting: that could destroy her self-esteem and have her clinging to you for years. Instead, keep it cutesy and infuriating. Thus, she will retain her confidence and shed only you. If you want to speed up the process, refer to her playfully as “Mrs Wobble-Bottom”.
14) Be ultra-noncommittal
If you can’t make or keep firm plans with her, she’ll know something is up. Most women know that when a man is interested, he wants to spend time with her; so when she sees you’re wavering about dinner two hours beforehand, or canceling at the last minute, she’ll be on to you. Doing this consistently is both rude and a strong statement that you’re not that into her — but I guess that’s what you’re going for here.
15) OK, last option
Sit her down, tell her kindly and respectfully that she’s wonderful but the relationship isn’t working for you. Talk it through for as long as she wants.
Hold her if she cries. Answer all her questions honestly. Promise to be there if she needs you, keep that promise and never date her friends. Be a man, for God’s sake. This is the only way.
Ironically, men and women suffer the same affliction in the breakup department: cowardice. Yes, both men and women often wait out a relationship, hoping the other party will do the deed and end it officially. So, for the man who wants out but is too much of a coward to do it himself, we have devised a step-by-step approach to accelerate the process of, well, getting dumped.
Above were fifteen things that really drive us women mad. You can take them in the order they are arranged, or you can pick and choose what tactics you think would be most effective in your particular situation. These fifteen things annoy us so much that, truth be told, as you proceed through the steps, she will progressively tire of you and likely can your ass before you can even hit the sixth. So if you want to get dumped quickly (though I can’t guarantee painlessly), share this with people in need.